What do you do about it?

A lot of people define a blog as a sort of on-line diary or journal, a recording of thoughts about the personal, public and private. I've viewed this one as more of a commentary than a journal.

While I share stories about the dogs with tongue-firmly-in-cheek, the only other postings about anything very personal have pertained to my wife's recent surgery and even those were not overly revealing.

We are enduring a number of difficulties in this season of our married life. It starts with my wife's recent health problems but is not limited to them by any means. It also involves her heart-ache at living 450-miles from her closest family. None of these hurt as much as wanting a child and not having one; and nothing hurts more than not having one than learning that you won't be having any of your own.

We've known for some time that there are issues keeping us from having children. As of two years ago it became clear that both of us were affected to some degree. The hope was that in both cases there were solutions available.

It turns out that there are solutions available, but only for one of us. After further testing, we've learned that my issues are essentially un-fixable. This is where we find ourselves then after nearly four years of trying to become parents, of doctor visits, tests and more tests; We will not be having a family of our own.

So now what? We've had brief discussions at various times in the past about adoption but have not ultimately resolved the issue one way or another. Frankly, I always assumed that when push came to shove, if we really wanted kids we'd be finding a way to have them ourselves. So now there are no more options.

Generally speaking, us men don't spend a lot of time growing up in conscious thought about what our family will be like in adult-hood. In contrast, my wife had already planned to be married by 25 and had names chosen for her two children. Contrasting yet again, I vaguely saw a future with a wife and kids but never had spent time fleshing it out and putting names and faces to the dream.

Only as we've gone back-and-forth over the last 4 years about whether and how much we want a family and the occasional tears the discussion produced, was I just beginning to go through the same process. And now, this is where it ends up. Just as my heart finally understands how much it wants children, it learns that it cannot have that dream.

There aren't words for this.